Play Ball

While watching the World Series from the City By The Bay I was just wondering what a Tea Party-owned major league team would look like, how they would score and what benefits they could bring to this game we love. The “new” phenomenon of a political party/movement has been amusing to watch evolve, as their message has become more and more confusing as the months roll on. So just for a minute let’s wonder. The following silliness makes just as much sense as they do.

  • Their team would be called the “Don’t Treaders” or the “On Me’s” or the “Originals” or fill in the blank ___________. Their mascot is a guy dressed up as a brick wall
  • The team would be white. No really, white
  • Their uniforms would be traditional (say, turn of the 20th century) so that their sox would show, rather than the sloppy “slacks” look of the non-traditionalist scoffer  players in rest of the league. Oh, yeah, home and away colors would be, well…white. Team jackets would look like flags waving around pictures of Herbert Hoover. And traditional baseball caps wil be replaced by tri-cornered hats with tea bags hanging all around the brim…fetching.
  • At the beginning of their home games, instead of the national anthem, there would be a reading of selected parts of the Constitution,beginning with the second amendment.
  • All players are packing. Pitchers with small sidearms, outfielders with AK-47s…just in case.
  • All players wear a name tag with a miniature of their birth certificate in-cased inside, you know, so everyone knows.
  • Tickets would be lower priced, their ball field smaller and there would fewer intrusive rules and more of the “trust me” approach
  • Fouls would be called  Becks; balls are called Todds; and strikeouts are scored KKK
  • Homemade signs in the stands are made exclusively by HMO’s and retired CEO’s from Wall Street, but misspelled a little so people watching at home think they’re really clever enhancing the “aww” factor. And it would be perfectly legal if a fan from the opposing team brought a sign the home fans didn’t like. But, in doing so, those visiting fans could be tackled and have their heads stomped and forced to apologize to the stompers…it’s a safety issue after all.
  • Arguments at the plate over close calls always include a guy dressed like Hitler, just for support.
  • Their major sponsor is BP, just because they can do no wrong and  have super squeaky clean image with the team owners.
  • Their sports philosophy is pre 1947, when the game was “pure” and life was “simpler”

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and so it goes