With the hole in the Gulf and turtles being incinerated because they were “in the way” and financial reform is a nuclear option against an “ant” and people are still losing their jobs, it is Friday, time to laugh a little. We need a physical release: Have you ever felt like you “have to laugh or I’ll cry”? Have you experienced the cleansed feeling after a good laugh? Laughter provides a physical and emotional release. These jokes aren’t of the caliber of, let’s say, the Monty Python “funniest joke in the world” which made people laugh until they died, but they’ll do in a pinch.
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”
Sarcastically speaking, I double -dog dare you to do some of the things found on this top ten list:
10. Pull into a gas station and use the window washer to wash your entire car.
9. Ask a bank teller to break a $100 bill for you. Then when asked how you want it done say, “in hundreds”.
8. Call a political candidate’s campaign office and ask them for a donation to your non-candidacy.
7. Ask a security guard how it feels knowing that in all the action movies the security guards are always the first to die.
6. When you get credit card offers in the mail, stuff the prepaid envelopes with toilet paper and mail them back. (whether you use new or used toilet paper is totally up to you.)
5. Call your bank and ask them to add your checking account onto the $700 billion government bail out plan.
4. Find someone who is big into worrying about the threat of global warming, remind them of their own carbon dioxide and body heat contribution to the planet, and ask them to stop it.
3. Ask a judge if you can get away with murder as long as you can convince a jury of your peers ahead of time that it is justified.
2. Send a bill to every TV station, radio station, cell phone company, and satellite company, charging them an “access fee” for the waves they broadcast through your property. If they refuse payment, charge them with trespassing.
And the #1 Sarcastic Dare…
1. Circulate a petition to put “intelligent human beings” on the endangered species list.
Some ‘Knock, Knocks’
Tarzan stripes forever!
Who’s there !
Cash who ?
I didn’t realize you were some kind of of nut!
And just for fun…how about some real jokers.
”Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?”
”There are more acres of forestland in America today than when Columbus discovered the continent in 1492.”
”You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one — I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”
—Glenn Beck on his radio show, Nov. 6, 2006
”If you log onto this (Cars.gov) at your home, everything in your home is now theirs.”
—Glenn Beck, arguing that the Cash for Clunkers program was nothing more than a secret government plot to gain access over your computer, July 2009
”When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.”
—Glenn Beck on his radio show, Sept. 9, 2005
And finally, a little Johnny joke
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” he volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.
“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was!” said Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F*ck”, the Rottweiler ate him!”
That’s all folks! See you Monday.
and so it goes….