Lighten up

Methinks every once in a while it’s a good idea to laugh a bit. The heaviness of the Gulf Oil blow-out and the seemingly helpless response has weighed heavy on us. As you get ready for the first bar-b-q of the Summer or are flying out to Des Moines to see auntie Sue commit some of these humorous to memory and share them when the conversation runs out of steam. We will return to reality soon enough. While you are doing that, I will be finishing up on a Memorial Day Tribute video for YouTube.

Below are some jokes from Northern Ireland (many of which I cannot print here) and the Republic of Ireland I have found over the years. Some are good some are “huh?” type jokes. Tuesday will be here before you know it and it’s back to work so have a great holiday and take a wee bit of time to remember why we have the holiday in the first place. Add your own favorite joke/saying at the bottom of this piece.

Dublin Pub

“A man walked into a Dublin bar and saw a friend sitting with an empty glass. ‘Paddy can I buy you another’, he asked, to which Paddy replied – ‘now what would I be wanting with another empty glass””

Kerrymen

A passerby watched two Kerry men in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. “Tell me,” said the passerby, “What on earth are you doing?” “Well,” said the digger,”Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn’t mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?”

Sally and the Hitchhiker

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. What’s in the bag?” asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.” The woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said: “Good trade.”

Classic UK Joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

The Doctor

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

The Ballymena Psychiatrist

Did you hear about the Ballymena psychiatrist?
He only treats schizophrenics. It means he can send them two bills every month.
One day another Ballymena man came in. The psychiatrist treated him for an hour, and at the end of it told him that he was a schizophrenic.
‘That’ll be £20,’he said.
‘Here’s £10,’ said the patient. The other fella can look after himself.’

Guess Who We Bumped Into

The matron walked into a ward at the Royal Victoria Hospital and saw a man wrapped in bandages from head to toe.
‘What on earth happened to you, young man?’ she said.
‘Well, matron,’ he mumbled through the bandages. ‘I’m a member of the English skiing team, and we were taking part in the British championships at the Craigavon ski slope this morning.
‘And did you fall?’ said the matron.
‘No. We met the Northern Ireland team coming up.’


I’m God

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’

‘I’m God,’ said the stranger.

‘Pardon?’

‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

‘Your reverence,’ said he, ‘I hate to trouble you, but there’s a man sat on me altar who claims he’s God. What’ll he do?’

Take no chances,’ said the archbishop. ‘Get back in the church and look busy!’


Sister Marie

Murphy approached Mulligan’s bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

‘Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you’re not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil’s brew. Why don’t you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?’

‘Hang on, Sisters,’ spluttered Murphy. ‘How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it’s wrong to form such a rash judgement when you’ve never tasted the stuff?’

‘Very well,’ said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can’t go into the pub, so why don’t you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!’

‘OK,’ said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

‘I’ll have a large gin,’ he said to the barman. ‘And can you put it in a cup?’

‘My God,’ said the barman, ‘that nun’s not outside again is she?’

Have a favorite Irish/Northern Irish joke? Add it below

…and so it goes…