Rather than the usual banter this morning I am becoming lazy. This is the 80th entry at JIMB and I know it is a milestone of sorts but I was working on a project until the wee hours this morning so I am a little goofy. Ok, more goofy than normal. Here are some jokes to get you through the weekend. Don’t blame me if you don’t have a sense of humor. OK? I know they are not that funny. I’m still waiting for your jokes…just reply.
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery
“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”
“Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.”
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
“Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”
“Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”
“Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.”
“Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”
“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”
“Damn, there go the lights again….”
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.”
“What do you mean you want a divorce?”
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
– Make racing car noises when anyone gets on or off.
– Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
– Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
– Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
– Sell Girl Scout cookies.
– On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
– Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
– Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
– Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
– When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
– Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
– Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
– One word: Flatulence!
– On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
– Do Tai Chi exercises.
– Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
– When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
– Give religious tracts to each passenger.
– Meow occassionally.
– Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
– Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “0ops!”
– Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
– Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
– Holler “Chocks away!” whenever the elevator descends.
– Walk on with a box that says “human head” on the side.
– Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
– If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holier “Bad touch!”
– Leave a box between the doors.
– Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
– Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
– Start a sing-along.
– When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
– Play the harmonica.
– Shadow box.
– Say “Ding!” at each floor.
– Lean against the button panel.
– Say ” wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
– Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
– Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
– Bring a chair along.
– Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muhmouf?”
– Blow spit bubbles.
– Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
– Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
– Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
– Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
– Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
– Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
– Scatter powertools around your feet and scream into a radio, “I’M NOT FINISHED YET! THE CABLE ONLY HAS ONE SCREW!!!”
And so it goes….See you Monday.